29th Year

So here's the obligatory annual birthday blog post. This time, I'm 29. And it's a little staggering to see the numbers start to creep so high when I can remember quite clearly the moments of my 11th birthday.

In any case, am feeling all excited and upbeat again. It's exhilarating always, like standing at the precipice and looking over all the possibilities the future holds, knowing that I have the power to choose.

Also feeling happy about designing for myself, and realizing that quite possibly the best work I will ever do will probably be for myself.

Went to a pub across the street. Lovely ambience but terrible British food as usual. I promised this is the last time we will spend money going out for a British meal! I also promise I will do a proper thing for my big 3 zero. Every year the day slips by faster and faster and I guess it'll just be a nice way to stretch it out a little more.

Happy birthday to me!

blue

Well it's good to blog when I'm happy or when I'm low, cos it's impt to be able to look back and remember the valleys i went through as well.

They are really not kidding about the 'magical' age of 30 and the mid life crisis it heralds. Although I think most of my generation felt like they have been suffering their mid life crisis since their early 20s.

However something really hits home when you near the 3 zero mark. A mixture of a panic attack ('what have i done with my life so far and what am i doing with the rest of it!), regret ('why did i think i knew everything at the age of 19?'), despair ('i'm too old to change!'). With all the crushing weight of these negative emotions and thoughts its hard to find the inner strength to push out and feel hopeful.

Of course the circumstances make it worse. Two months of job hunting + PMS doesn't help. But i can't shake the feeling that I have only one more chance for a big change in life direction and the deadline for making that change is looming near.

Then I realize how much my problem has been exacerbated by social conditioning.

Why do I think I can't make major changes in life and career after my 30s?
- Because in the present society you need at least 10 years to climb to a decent position in any company. Therefore it is unwise to change.

Why do I think I am not successful?
- Because I have a pre built image of what a successful person should look like at 30. Suited up, high corporate position, big house, car etc

I can easily negate those assumptions with the actual values I want for my life:

1. I want to punch through the illusion of our social structure. Something dictates I should be unhappy unless I fit into the mould of a successful person and I don't think I can accept that.

2. I would like to define success for myself, in a way that makes me feel the most complete, satisfied, and with greatest happiness.

3. I would like to spend my life working for myself. Growing something, owning something is important to me.

It is always comforting to try to get some clarity by writing about your negative emotions. But I know once I publish this post I'm going to go back to feeling blue. So I'm remedying it by watching the entire Star Trek: The Next Generation, which is AWESOME.

Big Day

Waking up at 7am and it's a very grey and wet morning outside. It's really pretty when it pours in Singapore, especially when you don't have to go out.

It feels a little surreal cos I'm getting married today! Another big milestone in life. I remember always wondering about this day when I was young. Who would it be and how would it be like?

It's just the ROM today and the reception will be six months later, but for me today is the biggest day. After today I have to use words like 'Mrs' and 'husband'.

I think it's an overwhelming sense of relief actually. Relief at marrying the right person and how wonderful he is always. And relief that when the day is here I actually feel quite ready for it!

Marcus Wareing at the Berkeley

Now that I am counting down barely three more weeks to leaving London, we are slowly going through the list of Last Things to do in London Ever!

I wanted to go to Gordon Ramsay's restaurant, but I realized that he doesn't actually cook at his own restaurant, so I opted for Marcus Wareing at the Berkeley instead.

Marcus Wareing used to run Petrus under Gordon Ramsay but they split soon as Marcus started to outshine Gordon's other restaurants, and now he has his own at The Berkeley. The key draw for me was that he would actually be in the kitchen, as opposed to just having his name on the signboard.

I won't go into details of the lunch, nor did I take any pictures, but it was perhaps as fine as you could expect for European cuisine. Very soft quail pieces and foie gras for starters, main course was seabass with a crispy skin paired very nicely with the best mash I've ever had, and dessert was a brioche with walnut icecream. But the best thing were the extra little canapes and amuse bouches that accompanied the meal because they were such pleasant surprises. There was the best hummus I've ever had, foie gras with cheese (really lovely), mushroom soup with truffle foam, and a very good passionfruit jelly with lychee ice. All that came up to 44 pounds each, and we were stuffed. But it felt really worth it too because it was much more than just three courses.

The best bit came at the end when they offered to show us the kitchen before leaving. It wasn't big, but extremely organized, with about twenty chefs manning their various posts. And as promised, Marcus was right there, carefully placing slices of pink roast beef onto beds of salad, ready to serve. A beautiful chef's table had been set up at the corner of the kitchen where you could watch the food being prepared (something that I would love to experience once). We thanked Marcus for an excellent lunch, and I was really excited at having seen for myself such a world class kitchen.

The Proposal

Been meaning to blog for a long time now about the various things I've been doing in London but been dragging my feet on it until THIS happened!

We were in Barbados for our vacation (lots of sun, glorious weather, blue seas and amazing beaches), and we had gone for a breakfast buffet with Scott and his gf at Hilton. After stuffing ourselves, we went for a little walk at the beach. Nik pointed out a breakwater that extended out into the sea and said let's get a picture there.

So we made our way across the beach, tiptoed over the rocks in the breakwater and finally reached the tip. Scott got the camera and I posed with Nik for what I thought was going to be a picture when he suddenly started whispering nice things in my ear. I thought he was just being sweet as usual, until he suddenly ended with '...want to spend the rest of my life with you.' and got down on one knee.

I think I went into shock for a bit, before I said yes, and he slipped on the ring. And then for the first time in my life, I started HYPERVENTILATING. No, I didn't cry, and I really loved how surprised I was cos I did not see it coming at all. The great thing is we got it all down on camera, he had been planning it with Scott for months before we got there.

It's still a little surreal to me, but I'm really loving the feeling. There's no escaping it now, I feel I am finally all grown up.
What I also did love was how happy it made my parents, though I had no idea how much they had been worrying about it.

So now I have to learn about the complicated machinery of couplehood in Singapore, getting that flat, how to even get married, and whether to do it in India (I am so inclined). Although I'm back in London in the miserable rain, I am tiptoeing on a cloud wherever I go and a quiet little place in me just feeling blissful.

more blogging

Was hunting through Singapore's most popular blogs and felt inspired to blog more. After all this is perhaps the most complete record of my life to date, extending over the past four years.

In the future, blogs will replace diaries as a cheesy story device in films. I.e. A granddaughter uncovers her grandmother's dusty, forgotten blog somewhere online and discovers a terrible secret....etc etc etc

Anywayz, latest developments in London:

1. Nik's bike got stolen in a most shocking manner, the guy rode off on it right in front of him. And I am really proud of how Nik reacted to the whole thing.

2. Did not feel the new year began with a bang at all. Still haven't thought about my new year resolutions.

3. shOprs is officially online. I'm happy that after a year in development it's finally moving along.

4. Going to watch my first play here next week.

5. Going off to Barbados for holiday in a couple of weeks

6. It's officially winter now and it's freezing. Haven't been able to step out of the house for that reason, which is kinda sad.

Must make a list of things to do in London before leaving, feeling kinda sad really, one year has just flown by like that.