you are not a unique snowflake

30th birthday

2010-08-16T10:19:00.000-07:00

Luckily, I didn't have to work on my bday, so I decided to do LOADS.

Stayed up to catch the meteor shower the night before, caught a really big shooting star.

Woke up extra early on my bday, ran 5km to start my new year with DISCIPLINE. Then headed to the British Museum and took my time to explore. Finally, met up with Nik and some friends for a pint, and then two, and then more.

Then, feeling pretty hungover over the weekend so just spent the whole of it watching the entire season of Stargate Universe.

Great birthday? I think so!!

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30

2010-08-12T16:11:00.000-07:00

So, it's been 8 mins since I have officially crossed the big three-o mark.

Have just spent the last hour and half watching the night sky through my window to catch the Perseids shower. Happy to say I spotted a spectacularly bright one to start off with, but after that only saw about 5 more faint ones before the cloud took over London.

Despite the pain in my neck and general numbness in fingers from cold, am quite happy I have managed to catch the first proper meteor in my life, and to have caught it moments before my 30th birthday too!

Next, to see a comet!

Edit: Crap. Just saw from my blog post a year ago that I promise to do something proper for my big three o, but all I have planned so far is dinner at our favourite sichuan restaurant, and to go to the gym in the morning. I need to think of something FAST!

Reunited at last!

2010-07-15T14:16:00.001-07:00

Don't know why it took me so long.

summer in London

2010-06-06T05:31:00.001-07:00

The whole point of enduring 9 - 10 months of cloudy gloominess, is for the few brief days of pure perfection. It's 8pm, and the sun is still glowing into my apartment.

I am a homeowner!

2010-03-17T23:28:00.000-07:00

It feels strange and wonderful to realize that we officially own a home now, and it's very very ideal...a 45th floor flat in Duxton @ Pinnacle in Tanjong Pagar.

The process has taught me alot, not the least about the balance in our relationship. I have no doubt that if it wasn't for Nik, we wouldn't have gotten the flat. The thing is, I'm usually the impatient one, chomping at the bit to get things done yesterday. If it were entirely up to me, we would have applied and got a Ponggol flat in an earlier launch. However, Nik made me wait, and the Duxton flat came up instead.

We balance each other out wonderfully. His discipline calms my impatience and his cool headedness takes the rashness out of my passion. It's perhaps true then that it's not a good idea to be with someone who is too similar to you!

It's really hard that I don't get to see the flat for at least a few months, and will have to decorate it via remote control (my parents!), although I have decided to go back in June just to see the finished flat before tenants move in. It does make the renovation process easier, given that we aren't going to live in it for a couple of years and so don't have to be too picky about it.

I'm excited!

Solar Eclipse 2010

2010-01-15T04:08:00.000-08:00

Curiously enough, every time something momentous happens I get the urge to put it on this blog, so here it goes.

Finally, I was lucky to be in the right place at the right time to catch my first solar eclipse! It's the longest solar eclipse of the millenium and it just happened to be visible from Mumbai, which is where I am.

At first i was panicking because we had no way of viewing it, until Nik came up with the brilliant idea of putting four sunglasses together and looking at the reflection of the sun in the window sill.

It's quite intriguing how such a display of simple shapes can produce such awe. I believe that astronomers probably have much more imagination than the rest of us suspect. Where we see dots of black ink printed badly on paper, or a simple circle of light with a clipped corner, they see in their heads the majestic motions of the celestial bodies, so much more immense than the images we are allowed to glimpse.

Luckily, I do have a bit of imagination so I was really quite overwhelmed by the first sight of the eclipse. And here, for posterity, is the picture we took of the eclipse.

29th Year

2009-08-13T13:33:00.001-07:00

So here's the obligatory annual birthday blog post. This time, I'm 29. And it's a little staggering to see the numbers start to creep so high when I can remember quite clearly the moments of my 11th birthday.

In any case, am feeling all excited and upbeat again. It's exhilarating always, like standing at the precipice and looking over all the possibilities the future holds, knowing that I have the power to choose.

Also feeling happy about designing for myself, and realizing that quite possibly the best work I will ever do will probably be for myself.

Went to a pub across the street. Lovely ambience but terrible British food as usual. I promised this is the last time we will spend money going out for a British meal! I also promise I will do a proper thing for my big 3 zero. Every year the day slips by faster and faster and I guess it'll just be a nice way to stretch it out a little more.

Happy birthday to me!

blue

2009-08-06T02:35:00.000-07:00

Well it's good to blog when I'm happy or when I'm low, cos it's impt to be able to look back and remember the valleys i went through as well.

They are really not kidding about the 'magical' age of 30 and the mid life crisis it heralds. Although I think most of my generation felt like they have been suffering their mid life crisis since their early 20s.

However something really hits home when you near the 3 zero mark. A mixture of a panic attack ('what have i done with my life so far and what am i doing with the rest of it!), regret ('why did i think i knew everything at the age of 19?'), despair ('i'm too old to change!'). With all the crushing weight of these negative emotions and thoughts its hard to find the inner strength to push out and feel hopeful.

Of course the circumstances make it worse. Two months of job hunting + PMS doesn't help. But i can't shake the feeling that I have only one more chance for a big change in life direction and the deadline for making that change is looming near.

Then I realize how much my problem has been exacerbated by social conditioning.

Why do I think I can't make major changes in life and career after my 30s?
- Because in the present society you need at least 10 years to climb to a decent position in any company. Therefore it is unwise to change.

Why do I think I am not successful?
- Because I have a pre built image of what a successful person should look like at 30. Suited up, high corporate position, big house, car etc

I can easily negate those assumptions with the actual values I want for my life:

1. I want to punch through the illusion of our social structure. Something dictates I should be unhappy unless I fit into the mould of a successful person and I don't think I can accept that.

2. I would like to define success for myself, in a way that makes me feel the most complete, satisfied, and with greatest happiness.

3. I would like to spend my life working for myself. Growing something, owning something is important to me.

It is always comforting to try to get some clarity by writing about your negative emotions. But I know once I publish this post I'm going to go back to feeling blue. So I'm remedying it by watching the entire Star Trek: The Next Generation, which is AWESOME.

Big Day

2009-05-03T16:25:00.000-07:00

Waking up at 7am and it's a very grey and wet morning outside. It's really pretty when it pours in Singapore, especially when you don't have to go out.

It feels a little surreal cos I'm getting married today! Another big milestone in life. I remember always wondering about this day when I was young. Who would it be and how would it be like?

It's just the ROM today and the reception will be six months later, but for me today is the biggest day. After today I have to use words like 'Mrs' and 'husband'.

I think it's an overwhelming sense of relief actually. Relief at marrying the right person and how wonderful he is always. And relief that when the day is here I actually feel quite ready for it!

Marcus Wareing at the Berkeley

2009-02-26T06:51:00.000-08:00

Now that I am counting down barely three more weeks to leaving London, we are slowly going through the list of Last Things to do in London Ever!

I wanted to go to Gordon Ramsay's restaurant, but I realized that he doesn't actually cook at his own restaurant, so I opted for Marcus Wareing at the Berkeley instead.

Marcus Wareing used to run Petrus under Gordon Ramsay but they split soon as Marcus started to outshine Gordon's other restaurants, and now he has his own at The Berkeley. The key draw for me was that he would actually be in the kitchen, as opposed to just having his name on the signboard.

I won't go into details of the lunch, nor did I take any pictures, but it was perhaps as fine as you could expect for European cuisine. Very soft quail pieces and foie gras for starters, main course was seabass with a crispy skin paired very nicely with the best mash I've ever had, and dessert was a brioche with walnut icecream. But the best thing were the extra little canapes and amuse bouches that accompanied the meal because they were such pleasant surprises. There was the best hummus I've ever had, foie gras with cheese (really lovely), mushroom soup with truffle foam, and a very good passionfruit jelly with lychee ice. All that came up to 44 pounds each, and we were stuffed. But it felt really worth it too because it was much more than just three courses.

The best bit came at the end when they offered to show us the kitchen before leaving. It wasn't big, but extremely organized, with about twenty chefs manning their various posts. And as promised, Marcus was right there, carefully placing slices of pink roast beef onto beds of salad, ready to serve. A beautiful chef's table had been set up at the corner of the kitchen where you could watch the food being prepared (something that I would love to experience once). We thanked Marcus for an excellent lunch, and I was really excited at having seen for myself such a world class kitchen.

2009-02-13T11:57:00.000-08:00

The Proposal

2009-01-28T03:54:00.000-08:00

Been meaning to blog for a long time now about the various things I've been doing in London but been dragging my feet on it until THIS happened!

We were in Barbados for our vacation (lots of sun, glorious weather, blue seas and amazing beaches), and we had gone for a breakfast buffet with Scott and his gf at Hilton. After stuffing ourselves, we went for a little walk at the beach. Nik pointed out a breakwater that extended out into the sea and said let's get a picture there.

So we made our way across the beach, tiptoed over the rocks in the breakwater and finally reached the tip. Scott got the camera and I posed with Nik for what I thought was going to be a picture when he suddenly started whispering nice things in my ear. I thought he was just being sweet as usual, until he suddenly ended with '...want to spend the rest of my life with you.' and got down on one knee.

I think I went into shock for a bit, before I said yes, and he slipped on the ring. And then for the first time in my life, I started HYPERVENTILATING. No, I didn't cry, and I really loved how surprised I was cos I did not see it coming at all. The great thing is we got it all down on camera, he had been planning it with Scott for months before we got there.

It's still a little surreal to me, but I'm really loving the feeling. There's no escaping it now, I feel I am finally all grown up.
What I also did love was how happy it made my parents, though I had no idea how much they had been worrying about it.

So now I have to learn about the complicated machinery of couplehood in Singapore, getting that flat, how to even get married, and whether to do it in India (I am so inclined). Although I'm back in London in the miserable rain, I am tiptoeing on a cloud wherever I go and a quiet little place in me just feeling blissful.

more blogging

2009-01-03T18:24:00.000-08:00

Was hunting through Singapore's most popular blogs and felt inspired to blog more. After all this is perhaps the most complete record of my life to date, extending over the past four years.

In the future, blogs will replace diaries as a cheesy story device in films. I.e. A granddaughter uncovers her grandmother's dusty, forgotten blog somewhere online and discovers a terrible secret....etc etc etc

Anywayz, latest developments in London:

1. Nik's bike got stolen in a most shocking manner, the guy rode off on it right in front of him. And I am really proud of how Nik reacted to the whole thing.

2. Did not feel the new year began with a bang at all. Still haven't thought about my new year resolutions.

3. shOprs is officially online. I'm happy that after a year in development it's finally moving along.

4. Going to watch my first play here next week.

5. Going off to Barbados for holiday in a couple of weeks

6. It's officially winter now and it's freezing. Haven't been able to step out of the house for that reason, which is kinda sad.

Must make a list of things to do in London before leaving, feeling kinda sad really, one year has just flown by like that.

great saturday

2008-12-06T12:16:00.000-08:00

everything came together for a great saturday! it's cold, but there was loads of sun today.

We got up, and when to the free screening of Bolt for Disney employees. It was at Empire Cinema at Leicester Square n it was the first time we were watching a movie in London so it was great that it's at THE main cinema. The theatre was huge, the 3D glasses were a trip, and the movie was alright.

Then we bought loads of stuff for a chinese dinner, got myself a beret, spent more money and headed home before the sun set (at 4pm!)

Ended with a dinner of wanton noodles and Merlin. Satisfied and happy!

set visit!

2008-11-05T07:25:00.000-08:00

the most exciting thing I've done here at Disney so far...for two days I went on a set visit to Pinewood Studios just outside of London where they are filming Prince of Persia. I got to tour the sets, see the costumes and weapons, watch them film a couple of scenes and do some stunts, as well as conduct a group interview with Jake Gyllenhaal, Ben Kingsley, Jerry Bruckheimer and tons of other people working on the film! All the other journalists were cool and matter of fact, but it's my first time so I'm still pretty star struck and excited!

Being on the huge amazing sets, I really do miss filmmaking. It's a lot of sweating, waiting around, physical labour and all about playing a small tiny part of a really big machine, but still to be a part of such a project like this would be so great.

Oh and I got to hold the Dagger of Time for a good whole five minutes. I didn't want to put it down, I kept sidling back and picking it up again as discreetly as I could. It was the hero version, the proper heavy metal one used for closeups. It does look like the one in game and is absolutely gorgeous!

slowly floating down to general daily life, which is a little disappointing.

Last week I have managed to get to Promax conference, and even to the awards dinner. (Disappointingly, the dinner at a top London hotel is not as good as a wedding dinner in Majestic Hotel in Singapore!)

maybe all of life's questions come down to this: do you want to be a small part of something tremendous, or do you want to be a large part of something small?

US election

2008-10-12T03:43:00.000-07:00

Watched the vice presidential and the two presidential debates so far. I have to say I think McCain and the Republicans run a really dirty campaign, slinging mud and losing credibility. But it's saddening that their approach is actually effective in reaching out to a large proportion of Americans.

I would donate money to Obama's campaign if it wasn't illegal.

But end of the day, however much I think I like Obama's stand on things, when they both assert in the debate that America is the greatest country on earth and that Americans are the greatest workers in the world, that jolts me back to the reality of democracy and how it necessitates pandering to the majority of people who have the vote. So the fact is, how effective a democracy is depends on the quality of the population.

It really follows that in a population that is mostly ignorant or isolated, democracy only results in the wrong people in power. Isn't that a huge flaw in what is supposed to be the ultimate ideal political system? I suppose that is what tyranny of the masses mean.

And you know what, I think that's fine, if a country is isolated and has no effect on the rest of the world whatsoever.

But when it comes to a major country like America, the tyranny of their masses extends to the entire globe! So democracy is basically useless in a globalized time like ours, where the boundaries between countries are eroded.

Something also happened on me when I was listening to the debates.

Politics on a world stage is just like putting a bunch of people in a room and forcing them to deal with each other. Except that each person in the room is made up of millions or billions of people, things happen more slowly and consequences are more dire. Each of these giant people display the same inconstancy, fluctuations in emotions, irrationalities, human weaknesses we see in everyday life. The same anger, jealousy, mistrust in dealing with other people.

I can't believe in this day and age any country can still be asserting that they are the greatest in the world and people still buy it.

But then I think it could be because never ever in Singapore was there such a notion. We weren't taught as children that our country is the greatest in the world, or that we are the best. We are consistently reminded that we were given the short end of the stick and we have to work ten times as hard to survive. I guess that is the difference, and you know what, that makes me very very grateful to be Singaporean.

इन london

2008-10-12T03:36:00.000-07:00

so working at disney gives me mixed feelings. For the first time it's nice to be in a big company and enjoy the benefits. On the other hand stepping back I realize how far it is from what I ultimately what to do.

The problem is, i can't pin down what I ultimately want to do. I suppose the mid life crisis is attacking pretty early.

But I have been inspired by recent ideas. If I want to get settled down by 30, I only have less than two years left to do what I want to do...to get carried away by a whim with no consideration. So that might be what I might plan to do.

I am inspired by a small picture in my head where I see myself on a journey. Relaxed, but purposeful and driven. I just need to find that purpose and step in and let go.

The best thing i like about living in London is that I can be a tourist on weekends, so it's like being on holiday every weekend. Today is a bright, sunny and absolutely lovely autumn Sunday, the plan is to hit Harrods for the first time, and then chill out at a park.

thinking

2008-06-06T07:37:00.000-07:00

Didn't want to call it musings cos this post is going to be a lot less pretentious than it sounds.

One phrase from the book 'Man's search for meaning' has been turning over in my head, he says that the elderly should not envy the young. Today's society places too much emphasis on potential, and not enough on experience and that is why there is a danger of neglecting the elderly and mature. He asserts that in fact, having done something is quite a remarkable reality and that is the asset of the mature.

After all, i quote, having been is an important part of being and surest of them all.

And at this stage when i am quite frazzled by the two roads that lie ahead of me, i am forced to think about this and draw my conclusions about big questions so I find the answer to the little question of, which job should i accept?

Of course one thing i have now definitely learnt is NEVER to make decisions hastily. Not even when people are pressuring you. It is better to lose an opportunity than to make a wrong decision.

But I am not sure yet if i have made the wrong decision. I am split into two, one Jessica rationalizing and desperately trying to analyze the situation in the time given, while also straining to get as far as possible from the second Jessica, who is accepting that the decision has in part been made and whose entire psychology is bent towards justifying it and taking the easier way out.

But back to the book, cos that was what i was thinking of in the first place.

I don't know how real that is for me. I get excited about what I am doing now, and even more excited about what I could be doing in the future, but I never get very excited or emotional about what I have done in the past. The past usually elicits a pleased, slightly satisfied sentiment, but never excitement and hardly even a lot of pride.

And worse still, the moment, once it becomes past, actually loses all its reality. It's like in the Matrix, and other countless knock off movies, I can even begin to doubt if i was even there. The past becomes a series of images, occasionally accompanied by tinges of remembered emotions, that run through the reel of my brain, and that's all. It's certainly not a very solid sense of being.

But I don't know, maybe he meant something more, maybe he meant that the accumulation of all our past experience creates the being we are now. Which does make a lot of sense, although it is something largely unconscious and not something we actively associate with our sense of identity.

But then how would this apply in terms of finding the meaning of life?

The book does strip everything down. It does answer more of the 'how' rather than the 'why' questions, but it does spend a lot of time encouraging us to search for the 'why'. I guess it is pretty naive to expect to find the exact answer to the meaning of life unless we are reading a religious book, but I do appreciate the fresh perspectives it has given me.

This morning while still thinking about my dilemma, there were images shown on TV of starving children in Ethiopia, all knobbly skin and bones, clinging onto life by a thread.

Too many thoughts to be written in one post so I still begin another.

developments

2008-05-30T02:45:00.000-07:00

1. Accepted job offer at Disney. Going to start work in two weeks! Anxious about whether i've made e decision but remind myself that i should look at things one step at a time n not try to base my entire life on e next decision.And rite now the decision seems to be the right one. Gain some corporate experience at a good company, take on a role with more responsibilities, get to have mix of internet in my work, not bad pay, get to go to disney land for free (!), plus the energy that i felt at the company was amazing! The people seemed really amazing so it must be a happy place to work!

2. Tiesto is having a concert in London! Finally here's a performance i can go to. Snapped up last couple of tickets yesterday and really excited. Going to subject nik to five hours of music he doesn't like and standing all e way.

3. Decided to buy a vespa instead of mojito. Mojito looks way better but it is just too big and heavy

Man's search for meaning

2008-05-27T03:50:00.000-07:00

He who knows the 'why' for living, will be able to bear with the 'how'. - Nietzsche

Found this fascinating classic, Man's search for meaning by Victor Frankl, who broached the topic through the lens of his own experience surviving through concentration camp incarceration during the war.

And these are the points that have stayed with me after reading the book:

The process of searching for meaning is not a process of us asking and talking and meditating about life, rather, it is as if life itself is constantly asking us the question, making demands of us. The meaning of life lies in the responsibility of each person to take the right action and respond in the right way to the tasks that life sets for us. In this case when there is nothing but suffering for the life of a concentration camp prisoner, the only meaning in his life will come from the attitude with which he faces his suffering.

Hope comes from realizing there is some matter in which one is completely unique and irreplaceable as a person, be it writing a book or being a father to a child, and therefore meaning must come from actively creating such a matter in which one would be irreplaceable. This means adopting a selfless view, and aiming for self transcendence instead of self actualization.

Humans can find meaning in creating a work or doing a deed, in experiencing something or loving someone, and in growing through suffering if he should find himself unable to avoid it.

There is a paradox of intention. Many times the reason why we cannot achieve something is precisely because we are trying so hard to achieve it. Things like happiness, success, even orgasms (!) slip out of our grasp cos we want them so much, and yet come easily and naturally when we have found the right thing to focus on. So we should not search for happiness, but rather for a reason to be happy.

Most interestingly Frankl states that although there is a long term value of life, the exact meaning of life is not an abstract thing floating in the air, but is rather grounded in day to day reality. And therefore the meaning of life changes from moment to moment in life, depending on the situation that we are currently in and the right actions we can take to handle it. He compares life to a movie, we will only know the ending and the full meaning of it all on our deathbed, but it is dependent on how well we have executed and realized our potential in each and every scene of our life.

It's a small book, and i finished it in a couple of hours, but it's something i could definitely re read again. There are a lot of important bits that have been lost from my mind, but it leaves me with an overall sense of excitement at finding fresh food for thought.

2008-05-15T02:44:00.000-07:00

bright day

2008-05-02T04:42:00.000-07:00

feeling so much happier today! finally one morning where it is bright, sunny and just darn pleasant. Of course as i am typing this the sky is already turning rapidly grey but i am in the office already so i dun care. But i honestly don't know how londoners survive in this weather. I guess weather does play a major factor in shaping a society's character, which is why singapore is the air conditioned nation.

everything just looks brighter when you are happy. And i am trying to dissect my feelings for the reason why i am so happy, so hopefully i can replicate it everyday.

1. im more inspired about my design today cos i decided to try out a few ideas and everything looks better
2. i just feel more comfortable about myself
3. ive made a decision to go for the second interview and give myself hte option of saying no afterwards
4. i decided to take it easy with the job thing and let it drift out for the next month or so
5. today is friday and its a long weekend, with monday being a bank holiday. ha, that must be it.
6. looking forward to playing lord of the rings online tonite. im so glad there are other worlds to explore other than WOW

work worry

2008-05-01T09:23:00.001-07:00

today a heavy load crashed down on my shoulders and gone are the euphoria of the past few days, when i was just ecstatic from the little experiences that i have everyday. Cos today, i start thinking about the FUTURE.

And the stressful thing about thinking about the future is, you never know really where to stop. Where to draw the line and say ok im just going to plan my life from now until THAT point, and ignore the rest. Because when you realize that your life is hostage to a long chain of cause and effect, you realize that the next step you take right after this very moment is going to start a domino effect that will resound through your entire life until the very end, years down the road.

So bearing ALL this in mind, am extremely weighed down today by the thought of getting my next job. I am very tempted to continue floating comfortably in this freelance mode, just seeing what comes along without very much of a plan.

But today i am forced to make plans because Disney has asked me back for a second interview and i am just panicked that i will never in my entire life find the PERFECT job. Not that i don't have a perfect job in mind, but just that it is so unattainable and i am running out of time. Ahead of me are several options i could pursue, not in terms of real job offers but just the type of job i should be even looking for, or the skills i should be developing.

And that links to me evaluating my strengths and weaknesses and interests. And also links to my philosophy of life, should i be one of those people to stick through thick and thin to one ideal, one passion? A make it or die trying attitude? Or should i be more 'realistic' and aim for something in between?

i really hate it when i start thinking. I would love to just float.

My approach right now is just to wait and see. I said yes to the second interview just to buy myself more time to think about it.

स्टील इन लोंदों

2008-04-21T01:15:00.000-07:00

Still in london, quick update!

Am working on a freelance basis now for a production / design company here, but they have booked me for next six weeks so am v happy about that. Love the work too, everything is motion graphics, so i get to do a lot more of design, conceptualization and production.

Am getting used to it here, and starting to settle and getting a feeling of being home. The weather is beautiful now except for the drizzles, its warm and still cool and with sunshine through clouds. And since i dun have to take a tube, i just walk to work everyday, there is no sense yet of being bogged down by traffic or the hustle of peak hour traffic.

Will start exploring and doing more things once my first paycheck comes in, the first thing ill do is go to a chinese restaurant and pig out! It's hard to even find good chilli here.

On a side note, saw on the news that they have invented a camera to be implanted in the eye that will allow blind people to see, and the whole procedure will cost 15,000 pounds. And suddenly one of my greatest fears is life is assuaged. If i ever do go blind, ill just get an implant! Thank you for technology!!!

London

2008-03-04T07:16:00.000-08:00

Wow last post was five months ago.

So am in London now, in between jobs and honestly just bumming, which is quite relaxing. Of course am a little disconcerted when suddenly your list of things to do is narrowed down to none, but it's nice! Am just focusing on cooking, cleaning, and finishing Final Fantasy on the PSP =)

A place is so different when you are here for a while as opposed to being a tourist, I am free of that wretched drive to see every tourist attraction in town (haven't been to the bridge or westminister yet), and instead you are driven by everyday basic needs (have seen the local supermarket loads, and also the market at brick lane) so you see a whole different side of things. Nice!

I'm surprised at how well I am taking to the cold. I supposed now that in the back of my mind I know I can't escape it, that it is going to be a long term situation, so my body has resignedly adapted.

Meanwhile, I do appreciate having an oven so much!

2007-10-14T21:36:00.000-07:00

me on my bike

2007-10-14T21:28:00.000-07:00

today

2007-09-04T23:22:00.000-07:00

is slightly better. I can laugh again and even enjoy myself when my mind has successfully wandered. Thank god for time and the healing it has. Focusing now on the positive things we still have, which is a great many, and looking at the big picture. Still though, alternating between depression and apathetic. wish i could fast forward this part of my life and just reach a point when i am happy.

i think its important now to find things that i like doing by myself, and to like being with myself also without having to do anything much. but ha! i suspect it would just be playing wow and watching movies.

tired of thinking, will buy a nice bottle of red wine tonite to lull myself to sleep.

on depression

2007-09-03T19:44:00.000-07:00

depression is a lack of taste in life. No food tastes good enough, no movie is engrossing enough, no bed comfortable enough, nothing exciting enough. For once you truly live entirely in the present moment, and many times, in the past, because the one defining characteristic is that in depression there is nothing to look forward to, no bright light at the end of the tunnel, nothing worth hoping for.

And yes once again life hands me another period of this goddamn depression, and the bitter sour taste is familiar, but perhaps not as strong and overwhelming this time.

i do manage to find brief respite in playing wow, watching the simpsons, and beer with lunch. other wise the long periods in between are grey, ponderous and slow, like a huge vat of cement in which i am trapped, slowly grinding me one way and the other until i crumble into dust.

holy ****

2007-09-03T04:07:00.000-07:00

on a lighter note, i think i am growing old along with the world wide web. Just realized that my hotmail account was registered in August 1997....TEN years ago!!

broken and needs to be fixed

2007-09-02T21:21:00.000-07:00

how sad, this blog is starting to turn into just a collection of my darkest moments so that if someone were to read it they might think i am just some small miserable creature.

right now i feel like one though, and though i am not trying to wallow in it, it is creeping around me like a shadow and just when my mind is starting to wander to something more pleasant it jumps on me, reaches in an icy hand that closes around my heart and gives it a violent jerk.

i expect with age your reactions become quieter, more dignified. There is more a touch of laissez faire, and a large dollop of resignation. But i think things just lay down deep inside and wait, poisoning you for years and years to come, like an unstable layer of sediment in a slab of earth.

I am pretty tired of being angry, of feeling hurt, depressed. But maybe this hollowness is worse.

there is no way of dealing with it, of solving it. Pictures burnt into my mind and a hundred thousand video images flickering in my head, snatches, burns, and icy icy hands.

i suppose in some way i am grateful that for every large serving of hurt I get a same amount of pleasure and happiness.

but there is no good in relying on people. If everything were to wash away I would be alone. I wouldn't be ecstatically happy, or even moderately happy, but I would be at equilibrium perhaps.

on an ordinary day

2007-07-03T20:23:00.000-07:00

Its a wed late morning and I decided i need to release some of the aimlessness i am feeling. I think general dissatisfaction has been my state of mind ever since, well, birth actually. Why do i always think there is something more and better out there.

There are moments, spurts of euphoria. Like when n. was making dinosaur noises when Jurassic Park came on Star Movies. Like when a proposal I submit gets us through to the next round of presentation. But in between time is grey, and sluggish.

I still have horrifying thoughts late at nite when n. has gone to sleep. Standing where I am in the present, it is like I could see through a tunnel, flying at breakneck speed through time backwards, whizzing past the generations and generations of grandmothers, and mothers and fathers that came before me, and ultimately resulted in me. And then I turn the other way and I am flying in the opposite direction, looking at all the people that are to come after me, from me.

Their lives will be totally, completely different. They probably won't remember my name after a few generations. Their world will be different, with technology that we cannot imagine as yet, and to them, my world today will be retro and quaint.

And in the middle of all that I am standing, an insignificant speck on this great procession of time.

Ishi killed himself last week, and it brought back thoughts of death, and life. I still fear death, but as I was riding I thought, maybe, if it is described as waking from a dream, it is actually a good thing. Clarity is always a good thing.

Of course if heaven and hell were true then it wouldn't be such a good thing for me.

The constant terrorism threat in the world forces me to think about religion. I used to accept that faith is of a higher level than rationality, and that we cannot expect to understand the matters of faith by rationalizing, but it seems all such a paradox to me. Does it really mean then that as long as you believe, it will be true? What a self defeating purpose it serves then.

Will there ever be an answer? A firm and definite yes or no in my mind? That would be good.

I suppose I am entering into a sort of a crisis, not sure as yet what to do with my life. At the same time keenly aware that I am aging rapidly and soon a lot of options will no longer be left open to me.

Still I should be grateful for what I have. To move beyond childish idealism and accept that reality has a cruder, but still somewhat acceptable beauty about it. That reality is like a half done sculpture handed to me, yes it is not very perfect, but I can work on it and make it mine, and therefore so much more enjoyable.

Weird ruminations on a wed afternoon but perhaps i am just trying to put off preparing for tomorrow's lesson. Well, can't put it off anymore.

work

2007-06-24T18:14:00.000-07:00

design work is deliberately vague, it is like stepping into a room, turning off the light, and then in the dark, feel your way to assembling something in the dark...it is painfully slow and laborious.

that is why it is so comforting to have work that i can actually rush through, work that u can start immediately, and actually have a finishing line.

grr

2007-06-13T18:23:00.000-07:00

i have many things to update, about going to bali, about trying surfing for hte first time, but today i need to say that i had a monumental moment while riding to work today.

it hit me that i am starting to despise the work i do. Designing and all i still love, but catering to the whims and fancies of clients, doing insignificant things that don't really matter in the end, i hate. Somehow i feel like i can do much better as a person than this.

my first serious thought of not being in the media anymore!

teaching

2007-05-02T23:05:00.000-07:00

Just finished another class at Singapore Poly, and I am starting to enjoy myself more and more. Mainly cos the students are great, they are pretty enthusiastic about getting their edit right, and I am of course in my comfort zone when it comes to editing. I love it when students are interested, but it is really tiring to talk non stop for four hours, to have to be able to look at another piece of work and have to come up with constructive criticism at the end of four hours is really tiring. As a result I am now sitting soaked in my office (the bloody rain) and have little energy for actual work. But I expect to get back on track soon.

It is already thurs! Day 4 and half without n. He has decided to return to bombay again at end of month as originally planned, so I guess I'm off to Bali for sure. Either way it is not too bad.

day two

2007-05-01T08:22:00.000-07:00

Day two of relative and sudden solitude, and suddenly find that there is still not enough time to do all the reading and playing I want.
Eve Online is still horribly complicated, and while I am starting to appreciate that this difficulty creates an incredibly believable world to sink yourself into, and that difficulty is part of the rewarding experience in an MMORPG (think running time in WOW), still the learning curve of eve is a little too much. But I have plenty of time to keep learning.

Meanwhile have finally found the time to pick up this library book I have been holding since forever, Behind the Seen, the story of how Walter Murch edited Cold Mountain on FCP, and it is fascinating. I haven't been able to put it down for the past two hours until my eyes finally hurt. Part of it is reading something that is so close to me, something I really understand and care about, using FCP, editing, philosophy of editing and of course the problems that come with using FCP.

And its especially inspiring to read about Walter Murch as a person, and his philosophy of editing. How he is keenly intelligent, his metaphors on the experience of watching a film, and the many areas of study he is in pursuit of. It's a huge contrast to my idea of being an editor now. I guess it's the work I have been doing, that I have come to associate editing with events, straightfoward cuts, and basically something menial and brainless. For me the next higher level of pursuit that gives me satisfaction is in motion graphics, but his view on editing inspires me to take a closer look at editing itself. How it is not so much about putting things together in the right order but having a feel for the story, the flow, the entire electric undercurrent of the film. In that way the editor has to be a generalist just like a director, and not a technical specialist. It's just something I have not really experienced, even when doing my short films, I guess it was cos the shooting ratio is almost 1:1. Can't wait to read more. Half of the book already and he is justa bout to start using FCP.

The book opened somewhat with the question of how he has managed to tackle one of the most difficult things about being an editor: After dealing with the same film for weeks / months / years, how can an editor still remain objective and keep an open mind?

His answer was that he found his way in allowing himself to be subjective, instead of fighting one's natural instincts to try to remain objective. Ironically, the more you allow yourself to be subjective, you somehow come back to resolve the problem in the opposite direction, and it allows you to deal with the film as though you are objective. It's a hard answer to wrap one's head around but I think I know what he means.

After weeks of hammering out details on the same project, you can't step back and keep pretending you can actually see it with fresh eyes, as though for the first time. Instead, you let your instincts take over, and you solve it by opening your mind wider to consider as many possibilities as possible. There are always nagging little feelings at the back of my head, and it is my work to try to address them one by one, to make it as perfect and polished as possible. At the same time, to keep trying out new things in the project, and always ask "what if".

Day two of solitude, I wonder how long more before I go crazy.

2007-04-29T05:28:00.000-07:00

n. is gone for two weeks. it feels really weird, like half of me is gone. it would be good to have a break from each other i know, but still am pretty lonely. yet happy that we are so much in love so much so that both of us really feel sad about leaving each other.

day one! thirteen more to go.

2007-03-11T22:01:00.000-07:00

old demons have come back to haunt me! And I see myself changing into this person that I used to be and whom I really dun want to be, who makes people around me unhappy, and myself the most unhappy of all.

self control

2007-02-28T04:39:00.000-08:00

I may not be religious, but I deeply believe that Bible is full of wisdom.
Many people think its about sunday school stories, from which christians draw clever quotes to print on their car decals, badges and pencil cases, but really there are very important things inside that once you understand and internalize it, you will be quite amazed.

Something came to my mind today as I was trying to calm myself down from anger. I paraphrase from Proverbs: "A man without self control is like a city without walls."

Self control seems like a dirty word in an age where we champion self expression above all else. We want freedom, unfettered freedom to do what we want, say what we want, when and where we feel like it. We want to go with the flow and fully and completely express ourselves anytime we choose. It is our right! But the more I think about this verse the more it makes sense.

Our instinctive idea of self control is one of holding ourselves in, locking ourselves in a cage, restraining and tying our own hands. Yet the Bible says self control serves not to keep ourselves locked up, but to defend ourselves from outside forces.

I guess you have to experience that to really know it. I have had times when I had absolutely no self control, and acted as I saw fit on the spur of the moment, whether I was angry, drunk, or simply careless. And I realized that those moments made me a weaker person, because I became subject to everything that was external to me.

I reacted to every single thing and in turn every single thing exerted a greater influence on me. I was very much like a city without walls, undefended, vulnerable and up for the taking.

Without self control we are not able to do anything. We cannot command ourselves to perform something that is not within our whim and fancy and god knows how frivolous our whims and fancies are.

It's really not easy to try and become a better person. There are so many lessons you forget and have to relearn. It's like taking ten steps backwards for every one step forward, that maybe it's better to just stand still.

beauty in everything

2007-02-22T19:44:00.000-08:00

I love rendering times, those brief periods that happen frequently in the day. Too short for me to leave my desk, but long enough to let me sneak in a blog entry or two.

Today I am inspired to talk about beauty in life. I have a theory, and that is that our aesthetic sense is our guide to the question of meaning in life.

But I'm not talking about beauty and aesthetics in the strict sense of appreciating a nicely done painting, a pretty flower. There is a deep sense of beauty that runs underneath our everyday life, the undercurrent of the world around us, and indeed, the universe.

It is impossible to define beauty, but it is something that everyone recognizes when in its presence.

An example of how beauty transcends art, I am reading a book called "The Final Theory of Everything", and it describes the evolution of major theories in science, and how the beauty of theories have been a guiding force, almost part of the instinct of scientists when they determine the validity of a theory.

The author draws a comparison between science and war. There is no definite formula or surefire method of winning war, only a general guiding pattern that men can use to select their actions to guide their efforts towards victory. And this general guiding pattern has been termed the art of war.

Similarly, there is a general guiding pattern leading scientists in selecting one theory over another: the art of science.

The similarity is that both the art of war and of science have a purpose, they each have an end to achieve: that is to win the war, and to find a grand unifying theory. This differentiates these arts from fine arts itself, in which often the end is but our appreciation of the piece in question, and nothing more.

I believe this stretches over to more than war and science, it seeps into every other aspect of life as well. The art of relationships, the art of business, the art of self development, the art of occupation / job, art of living. In all these cases, I believe that seeking a more beautiful solution will guide us on the right way.

But what makes a more beautiful solution? What is beauty?

The book cited some examples. Einstein's general theory of relativity replaces Newton's laws because it is a more beautiful theory that explains gravitational forces.

Beauty is not necessarily in simplicity, because even simple calculations in the theory of relativity are notoriously difficult to work out, requiring many more steps, many more equations than Newton's laws.

Beauty is not elegance. An elegant solution is one that arrives at the correct answer with the minimum complication of steps.

Beauty is in logical inevitability. A beautiful solution is one in which no one variable can be changed even in the slightest without the entire theory becoming absurd or nonsensical.

Beauty is in something just making sense. So perhaps our faculty for determining what is sense and what is not, is akin to our faculty for appreciating beauty.

The inverse law in Newton's laws could have well been an inverse to power of three, or four. The number seems almost arbitrarily picked out. However, because Einstein's theory describes gravitational force as an effect of the geometry of space and time, the inverse law becomes necessary, inevitable and non arbitrary, and any slight change in its value simply becomes absurd.

I admit I can't fully grasp the exact science described in the book. But I am happy to read it and watch the development of theories and ideas progress through the years before my eyes. But more importantly I am struck by this universal concept of beauty.

I believe this is the same Quality that was described by Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. In that book he talked about achieving quality or beauty in one's daily lives, especially in the work that one does. And this is the means to the end of finding meaning in life.

It is very vague now but intriguing for me. My job requires me to recognize and create beauty, and it still touches me on many levels when I manage to create something I'm happy with. But now I am starting to understand that maybe that is only the surface of beauty, and I am supposed to seek more, beauty that is not easily seen, but simply felt.

again

2007-02-01T00:58:00.000-08:00

i am so distracted. blogging is like opening a gate in some part of my brain and now i got so much stuff to get out:

1. i've quit smoking finally!
2. i've got my license and bought a honda cbr 150
3. i have no mood to work now. Strike!

now i just need a camera to post a pic of my bike.

back again

2007-02-01T00:50:00.000-08:00

been shamed into blogging again because A. has miraculously finished reading my entire blog while sitting at home! I think she must be the first person other than myself to have read the whole damn thing, and I thought I would be the only one who could sit through it.

but here i am again, reminded of how cathartic it can be to just let it all bleaughh out by typing it here.

am saddened though, that i have no new adventures to write of, no new places I have seen, no new things i have done. i am afraid the stagnation has settled in, and i am gripped ever more in work and business and thinking about work and business.

of course its not entirely a bad thing. although i am largely burnt out i do enjoy what i do and i still feel a large degree of ownership. but the other me is standing outside of myself and watching myself with a wary eye: what about other plans, other dreams?

breaking up is an experience very close to my heart, because i must have had a worse experience than many due to a disastrous combination of traits in myself: an undefeatable idealism and deep rooted belief in my ability to make things work.

of course it has been many years past, but i remark with quite a bit of amusement how greatly my perception has changed. it takes a lot, a lot, a lot to see beyond what oneself is feeling, thinking at any point in time, yet the ability to do so will save one a great deal of trouble.

nothing really helps when you are depressed, honestly. Not self help books, not clever quotes, not girl power songs. ive realized that the most important thing is to tell oneself to be patient, and to KNOW, that one day one will feel very very much better. It doesn't give instant relief, like alcohol or pills, but it is the one thing that will constantly work to pull one through. Because the opposite of depression is hope.

not that i am depressed. not at all, quite on the contrary, it is really sweet to realize i have found the right guy for me, and to be so happy even after two and half years. but happiness doesn't make much for interesting blogging.

debate

2006-11-03T03:43:00.000-08:00

http://www.shoutwire.com/viewstory/36442/The_Possibility_of_A_God

Was directed to this blog entry and the same argument comes back to me, flooding my head. Not that I have resolved this argument in any way, but I would think people would have thought long enough to get past the simple 'proof' that God doesn't exist because there is suffering in the world.

Im glad I was religious once, so I have two perspectives of the same issue, but at the same time it gets me stuck in the middle and I do not dare to take the first step in either direction.

The guy argues that because suffering exist, God is either cruel or powerless, or doesn't exist. A very very simplistic argument, I feel.

There are so many sides to this debate, where to begin? Let's start with the suffering issue then. And I'm not talking about a philosophical debate, one which requires definition of everything, and battles on the ground of semantics, but a sincere, true attempt to occupy the point of view of people who honestly believe.

Starting from the suffering argument, if we jump to the opposite perspective, we immediately come to the popular counterargument: that there is purpose behind suffering, it is God's intention to let us grow and mature through trials.

Some people dismiss that immediately by pointing out that many innocent children are born into suffering. What is the point of that?

I'm not sure yet, but I have a hunch that the entire argument teeters on one premise, which, once resolved, will determine which way the debate collapses.

And I think it comes back to the definition of God. Not what, or who God is, but the nature of God.

Centuries of Sunday school stories and legends have shaped God into a white bearded old man sitting in the sky, a superhuman, which is like us, but just more powerful and perfect.

i don't think we quite comprehend the possibility that there are some things which lie out of our mental grasp, and God is definitely one such concept.

Human beings tend to forget that the concept of God in itself necessarily dictates that it is beyond our human ability to fully understand or describe. How then, can we pretend to understand the why and how of what God does? Can we still assume that all suffering is bad, and that stopping suffering is good? Can we presume to judge the merit of the actions of this superior being. Can we even think of God 'acting' and doing things the way we picture him?

Once we realize the sheer inadequacy of our human rationality when it comes to a ponderous matter such as this, then we are stopped short, we have come up against a brick wall.

And that is why I find the suffering argument simplistic and unconvincing.

But then again.

Then if we are never able to understand, why do we even bother trying to wrap our minds around this question? Is there any point in the spiritual pursuit that many of us undertake? This burning need to know the answer that in all likelihood can never be found? This perspective pushes me towards hedonism and just a general fuck-carism.

Of course there are other perspectives. For example, viewing God in a historical context, which puts him as the necessary invention of a human society. Or simply, just give it all up and assume he doesn't exist.

overworked

2006-11-01T00:48:00.000-08:00

Feeling overworked after the whole rush of events and deadlines that will be slowing down after today. Brain works a lot slower and body is just slow and sluggish.

Think i have become used to working out, and it makes me feel really good to hit the gym in the morning. Surprisingly though I do prefer doing weights over everything else, hopefully I'll be able to build some definition soon!

Just handled a client who is 60 years old and filthy rich, the sole distributor of a premium skincare line here. And when I met her, and edited her pictures from the past, the whole thing just keeps hitting me, especially when she said to me during our meeting..."How old are you ah? Wah, I wish I was 26 too...". That no matter how rich you are, how many jaguars you have, we all become the same people at the same age, sitting there slowly shrinking into our clothes and wishing we were young again.

Which brings me to the confounding question: what should I do now, so that I won't regret anything and wish I was young again. I mean in a few years time I would probably be desperately wishing I was back in this point in time again.

And the answer is a depressingly silent echo. Nothing that answers that question seems to be meaningful.

Oh well, just some musings on a raining afternoon.

crisis

2006-10-10T06:09:00.000-07:00

finally picked up and dusted off a book I must have bought like 10 years ago but could never get through. Am almost finished with 'A History of God' by Karen Armstrong, and for the first time in many years and confronting the question of my faith.

Of course you should never set any beliefs just by reading one book alone. There are always opinions, and then there are counter opinions, and more opinions still.

The book details how the notion of God has evolved in Judaism, Christianity and Islam over the centuries, and accordingly, the idea of what is accepted and orthodox belief.

And one thought jsut keeps popping out over and over again on every page: if these beliefs can change with time, and sometimes quite drastically too, how do i know what is true and what is not? The beliefs I used to have were just wat some guys decided was good and accepted at a certain point in time.

So yes, crisis.

A said that she was glad she had realized the absurdity of monotheism earlier than me and had chosen buddhism. But that is totally off the point.

The crisis is not that monotheism no longer sounds credible. The crisis is that human beliefs are no longer trustworthy. No matter what we believe, whether in monotheism, pantheism, or that we find God in ourselves, there is a high probability that if we live long enough, sooner or later we will change our minds.

So what is the conclusion? That the highest form of enlightenment will be seek not to have any beliefs at all? Is that even possible?

Well.

So anywayz, will be taking my TP for bike in early November. Very very scared and excited. So so so close!

lesson 6

2006-09-18T17:39:00.000-07:00

Grr just can't make the bloody U turn. Taking it for the third time this weekend, and its so bloody expensive. But riding on the road is really fun. It's like a mini excursion, with instructors to take care of us and everything. I'm just one step closer to actually getting my own wheels, cannot wait!

But suddenly in the mean time I am tempted to buy a car. Damn Need for Speed!

sigh

2006-08-28T01:08:00.000-07:00

im sad. a week of experience with my acquaintances has left a bad bad taste in my mouth.

first a friend i haven't had contact with for the longest time suddenly became overfriendly. And after a few weeks it was just wat i had suspected: network marketing!

the next day, an acquaintance was overenthusiastic about meeting up again, and i was skeptical but i went. There was no selling, but then it was obvious that he just wanted business news.

Overall I am pretty disheartened and it makes me feel sick. I don't care how hard it is to be a sales person, or how networking is important, there has to be an intelligent, genuine way of doing it that doesn't turn every human being into someting inanimate: a customer or a point of information or a statistic.

It is sickening, the older I get, the more I see people like that and yet I am surprisingly still gullible about when people try to make use of me, or other people.

Am glad to escape into our own little world of two at the end of the day. Nothing like a day of productive, hard work, and then just spending quiet time together watching a film, or making fun of each other, or driving down to Bedok to try the bak chor mee. (yucks, still can't get used to bak chor mee in soup)

On that note, Boon Tong Kee isn't that great either.

BUT BUT BUT

have fantastical news. And just thinking about it makes me happy!!! I passed Lesson 5 of bike lessons yesterday. Super bitching hard to pass, but I did it, and I am so proud of myself!

birthday

2006-08-12T20:02:00.000-07:00

So another birthday is here! N. looks at me and asks: "so you are now how old? 26? " Hmm i never could grasp the concept of myself aging. But the stress is mounting, at 26 I expected myself to be places!

But tomorrow will be a big first step, and I just hope I can step up to the challenge. I love trying to do so much more than what I actually believe I am capable of, and then hopefully I can surprise myself.

My birthday resolution is to remain focused and motivated for this new job, and to strive for seemingly impossible achievements. Here we go!

three days

2006-07-20T19:58:00.000-07:00

three more days before n. gets back to singapore! can't wait really!

also looking forward to moving in with auds, this thing might happen!

hm she said something true yesterday, that if i had a stable job here i would switch my mindset to accepting the fact that i am staying here, and thus the whole situation becomes more bearable.

but i remember whining all the time about getting away even when i was working a regular job!!

weird.

12:45am

2006-07-18T09:48:00.000-07:00

have work to do, but of all nights, am having a headache.

watching 'friends' makes me feel better though, and i am trying very hard to find things to feel good about these few days.

what is wrong with me? why am i not happy being alone anymore?

yes i guess we all do need someone.

hmm

2006-07-14T00:25:00.000-07:00

so i realized i am going to be oddly single for the next few weeks, and after a week I have kinda settled into it. It's not bad after all. There is a dullness sure, but also a kinda relaxed, drifting pace to life, where I spend most time in front of my computer, and then also wander around my room when I get distracted, reading, not really stressing about what to do next. When I relieve myself of the stress of always having to find something to do, or somewhere to go, time seems to slow down and the day lasts longer.

there is a kind of dynamics when you are with another person, that comes like waves. Sometimes the excitement surges, and overwhelms so much that when it recedes, you spend everything you've got just wanting the next wave to crash over you again. And so it's a constant game of pulling and wanting and tugging.

Was going to go out for beer tonite, but decided that watching 24 ep by ep is killing me and will cave in and go rent the whole series after all. I love torrents, but it's just too slow!

On the other hand, have found buddha bar with it, and it's pretty good, I feel like I'm working in a lounge.

Reading 'Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance'again, but this time I'm determined to slow down my speed and truly try to understand every concept. I'm delighted at how philosophy is actually woven into our everyday lives and we formulate the same conclusions without realizing it, or placing it in the broadest context so that it becomes philosophical truth.

Like the exploration of what is inside the mind and what is actually outside. If you think about it, everything that exists only exists within the mind because we cannot understand or perceive the world outside of using our senses. And thus everything that exists to us is but a sum of all the things we can sense.

But outside of these senses, does anything actually exist?

Pre formed concepts built up by accumulated sense data called a priori by Kant helps us makes sense of all the things we perceive in the world, helps us understand the underlying form and expect a sort of continuity.

On a much smaller and not so sophisticated scale, we do that second guessing with our minds and emotions all the time. Like I am trying to figure out why I am yearning for something that I cannot have. Is it because it is so good that everything in my body is telling me that I have to have it, and that means I really should throw away everything in pursuit of it? Or is my mind playing tricks on me, and I want it precisely because I cannot have it? And as I was telling M that night, my mind tricks me by having me focus on special moments, special feelings and weeding out everything else that comes with the reality of being in that situation, so all that remains are rosy thoughts, which makes it even harder to let go. And perhaps I don't want any of it back, all i want is that good feeling again, and I am wrongly concluding that that feeling can only come in that particular situation, while that feeling is everywhere around me, I just have to be open to receive it.

Is there any point in thinking about things that are not practical? Some would advocate dreaming because it is the start to great achievements. But for others it would be torture, and it is sometimes wiser to succumb to reality?

So I feel like something is missing, but I'm not sure if my mind is just making it up, or if it's real.

So what is real and what exists outside of the mind?

focus

2006-07-10T01:03:00.000-07:00

i've realized that i lack focus on whatever i'm doing.

even when i'm playing wow after three weeks my mind keeps wandering to what i should do next, or what i could be doing.

it applies on the bigger time frame as well. whatever job i'm doing i'm always planning, hoping for something better. when i really just want to learn how to enjoy what i am doing at this very moment, and to take things slowly and to be patient and to focus.

is this the famed quarter life crisis i'm going through? i seem to want everything but have nothing at all and i am just living my life in my head.

i have always listened to my gut feeling but i think the compass has been thrown off. i am afraid my gut feeling is nothing but impulses that changes every day, no even every few hours.

even as i write this blog, i am multitasking uncontrollably, checking my torrent download, watching fashion tv online, and switching to aftereffects every few seconds.

well 'the monk that sold his ferrari'proposed a period of meditation everyday. There is a fancy name he gives to it 'the heart of a rose', which is meditating while staring into a rose.

well i guess i'll try that. without the rose, but maybe just time to think without music, sound, or any distraction.

disclaimer

2006-07-09T09:59:00.000-07:00

oh and i wish i could post pics, but i traded my camera for the ipod. And my phone is currently of the nokia generation which we used when we were in JC, cos i lost so many phones in philippines i still feel sore about replacing it with a good one.

So therefore, no pictures.

back in SG

2006-07-09T09:48:00.000-07:00

i am letting the surprising warmth of home wash over me and comfort me. Coming home to my room, to my familar place at my laptop at my table online 24/7, to being able to download movies again, to the familiar neatness of the streets, and even the clean refreshing rain, which doesn't flood the roads or create pools of mud, but just makes everything cleaner and smell sweeter.

ahhhh home!

not that i never appreciate the feelings of home. In fact I am a secret homebody, I love that warm fuzzy feeling of the familiar, and then my window to the world comfortably at my fingertips on my computer.

just finished the book 'the world is flat' by thomas friedman, on the new wave of globalization. For a book on international economics it is easy to read and quite the page turner. I totally identify with the empowerment of the individual by technology, and the ways we have to adapt to be able to compete with other empowered individuals all over the globe. It's inspired me to keep learning, improving. Not just to compete, but cos I can!

I do miss this sanctuary, my laptop, my internet, my comfy blue chair and the warm yellow table lamp.

now the question is if i wanna return to the philippines (FTV) or hang in here and make plans to go to UK. Shit i hate making decisions.

going back home

2006-07-08T07:54:00.000-07:00

leaving tonite for singapore, which i kinda miss! I look forward to seeing my family again, 24 / 7 broadband internet in my own room, and working!

bombay is back to being hot and dusty, which is a relief, believe me, after the relentless rain.

after all it's been a good experience. I love soaking up a place, until the dust settles on my skin and i get used to the rubbled streets, roads full of holes, impatient, angry traffic, and they all become invisible when i retreat into my own throughts like every other local. Then the time comes to fly away and i am excited again.

i feel like a little fish in a tank, maybe if someone just keeps changing the water, or re arranging the sea grasses around me i'll be a happy little fish!

it was fun, i had so much fun talking to shijia, who i am so ashamed to admit, i had forgotten was in cs as well! i'm sure i pretty much offended him by not remembering.

went out for a drink last nite and it was a dry night! Prob one of the few places in the world where this happens, you just can't buy alcohol anywhere cos it was some obscure festival. so going to make up for it tonite.

then head home. i wish i was strong enough to make the decisions i have to make, and not take the easy way out.

leaving

2006-07-05T04:58:00.000-07:00

so i have finally made the decision to leave bombay and go back home. Still unsure about the next step yet, but am considering a working holiday visa maybe? in UK or NZ.

meanwhile still have a few days left in bombay. Monsoon is full on in this city now, and u can't go anywhere without stepping in water logged areas, where the water is at least ankle height and gushing. In some areas it has reached almost two metres, but still a lot lesser than the 10m of last year's monsoon tragedy.

Still the rain is pretty relentless, stopping only for five mins before continuing in drizzles, and downpours. You pretty much don't feel like going anywhere, but when you do, you see kids playing in the water, and people nonchalantly walking through water in their sandals.

Am going to meet a fellow Singaporean for dinner in a bit and am excited to see how he is leading the expat life here. Good food and drinks (oh god i need a drink) and cigs. Heaven!

My life has perked up though, since i visited the bookstore yesterday and bought a few books.

I picked up 'The Monk who sold his Ferrari' cos its was cheap (5 bucks). A. raved about it, but i found nothing new in its pages. It just made me crave reading 'Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance' again.

Also a maya guidebook for cheap.

And 'The World is Flat'. It is really refreshing to read about analysis of global matters. I love reading about things bigger than what i see in daily life and what I think about, cos they are completely new, and I have decided my one driving force in life is novelty. just can't get enough of it!

Meanwhile thinking about the next place to go. Tentatively the plan is maybe Singapore for a couple of months, then working holiday to UK, or else back to Philippines if i get a more interesting job there in FTV. I wonder what will happen next? Maybe i'm too much of a drifter who can't stay focused on anything for long. That would be a disaster. Again i am hooked on novelty and its an addiction that will drive me into the ground!

overwhelmed

2006-06-30T01:06:00.000-07:00

in an overwhelming city where things don't get done in a day or two but in weeks, where there is no comforting pool hall to relax, where it is horrifying for people when a girl lights up on the street, where people stare and stare if you are anything but indian, where u can't find a decent room without paying a bomb.

it is also monsoon season and it rains every fifteen minutes, the roads dissolve into mud and u can't get from one place to another without getting covered in the dust of bombay. It's thick and suffocating like this loneliness i feel.

in india

2006-06-25T08:05:00.000-07:00

wow its been so long since i've updated this blog.

im now in bombay, and have found a job but have yet to accept it, but am expecting to confirm where i will be working this coming week.

so far i am surprised to feel it is taking me some time to become happy about being in a new country. also i had doubts whether i could survive in this crazy place, but now i feel better about it.

other things keep me excited about life, i am finally spending time teaching myself maya, something i've been wanting to do for so long, and now, with lots of spare time, i'm finally getting down to it. i do miss the ecstasy of learning and understanding something new.

i feel old, and have spent so much time thinking about life, career, love, and making the right decisions. i hate myself for being so indecisive, but at the same time i am just so afraid to lose out on anything.

i am still generally excited about wat life has to offer in the years ahead of me. i am not enthusiastic about the salary for this job its ridiculously low by singaporean standards but surprisingly high by indian standards, so i guess i'll take it. more importantly i may get to learn high end systems like smoke or inferno, and that i believe is the next thing i have to do for myself, to lift myself off of this plateau and keep moving forward.

back

2006-06-03T22:35:00.000-07:00

back in singapore, and believe it or not, not sure what my next move is. Although I am determined to be outta here again by next week after going to manila for a wedding (can't wait!!!) , it's either philippines again or bombay.

Im really excited though cos i've got a sorta offer from prime focus, one of the biggest post houses in india, who asked me to call them when I get there. And it's just perfect at this [point in my life when I need to work for a BIG company. But yet I do miss my life in the Philppines, and I wished it had lasted longer, and it's hard to let it go!

Whatever it is, I dunno if i assume that I am more fragile than I really am. At times honestly things tear me apart and I have no patience for time to heal things. At other times I look back and realize that I have anguished for nothing, and if I wait a little longer, I heal and move on.

I think I must be one of the most greedy people I know. I don't remember a time when I haven't wanted everything. Right from childhood when I was a horrendously fat kid eating everything in sight (in case someone else ate it first), to now, greedy for every new experience, every mind popping, blowing moment.

I hope age teaches me to let things go, cos it's one of the hardest things in life for me. And perhaps having something else to look forward to does help. But right now, I am horrified at the thought of losing out.

I always have an image in mind. Another Jessica, who comes back from the future, and nods sympathetically at me but hits me on the back of my head and tells me to get myself together, you pussy! Cos things will get better for sure. I know that's what I would do now if I could, go back three years in time and shake myself awake.

One thing I know for sure, is that the past three months has awakened my appetite for something new, something foreign, and something always intoxicating exciting. And I hope I can find that in the next place, wherever that may be. I can't stop now, I've only just begun! And death for me would be to lull myself back into the mindless drone of everyday life before, which was slowly sapping my life every single day.

I think I will drive myself into the ground with this endless pursuit of excitement.

third month in cebu

2006-05-04T05:12:00.000-07:00

went back for a visit last weekend, and realized i was right not to return to singapore yet, cos the moment i was back in the same places, I felt ...well, for lack of a better word, jaded. I realized that I space out alot when i'm in singapore, and just stare into air because i lack the ability to see anything new in my surroundings, and i believe novelty is like air to me. Here, my eyes are wide open.

a meeting today decided that my project would be put on hold, and I am working an evil plan to work on projects that are a lot more interesting. Hopefully it comes through.

meanwhile have become a 24 junkie. almost bought entire season 1 - 4 for S$80 today...but decided it was too expensive for fake stuff. I shall patiently wait for my download instead.

2006-04-22T21:34:00.000-07:00

me and hane's daughter, tanya in malapascua. i love her so much!

2006-04-22T21:23:00.000-07:00

me and karla in malapascua!!

2006-04-22T21:20:00.000-07:00

got a henna tattoo! i think its pretty hot!

2006-04-22T20:34:00.000-07:00

soooooooooooo....

have extended my contract for another month...which i feel is just about the right amount of time i still wanna spend in this place.... frantically trying to find cheaper tix to singapore for next weekend...tiger airways is not as cheap as they claim...adding everything up it still goes up to about 400 plus USD...hopefully tom morning i can find a travel agent that can get me tix fast...

and now to research for more beaches to go in the philippines!!

2006-04-19T19:57:00.000-07:00

dilemma

2006-04-19T19:51:00.000-07:00

Am in a huge predicament before. In fact I dun recall ever being so confused and lost about what to do.

On one hand, the company here has offered a two monthh extension, and I get to work on Fashion TV stuff, which is pretty exciting for me.

On the other hand, my previous company has just emailed asking if I am going back and she is being so sweet about it.

On the third hand (!), I do miss n. a lot and wonder if four months apart would mean our relationship will fall apart.

On the fourth hand, I am afraid of going back to SIngapore cos I want to continue staying in a new place.

On the fifth hand, N. is planning to go to Bombay in June and my plan is to definitely join him there.

And then I have to consider how long it will take for me to find a new job in a whole new country.

So i am spilling out my guts here cos there isn't anywhere else i can turn to. PLUS i have to make the deicsion within the next two days so they can confirm my ticket for next week if I am coming home.

I need a catalyst, something to spark myt houghts and guide me in the right direction.

argh.

on a side note, just sold an item in WOW for 36 gold and am well on my way to buying a mount. Totally in bliss over that!!

2006-04-19T00:34:00.000-07:00

man i really don't want to go home. I'm going to miss seeing new stuff everyday.

Just came back from boracay saw amazing sunsets by the beach, and just enjoyed havinig the beach right at my doorstep. What an amazing time, it will be so hard to forget.

so many things to do in one week, and so hard to leave. Damn i hate being attached to things and losing them.

blast

2006-04-09T20:05:00.000-07:00

thats what im having, a blast! I think there is only so much fun my body can take! So much confusion though about what to do next in life for the first time in my life I feel lost and there is somehow no gut feeling to guide me through.

I decided my guiding force will be my career, to find the most interesting work that can unleash all this stuff i have inside.

Perhaps one of my biggest nightmares is to reach deep down inside and find....absolutely nothing to say. I do feel like my mind is an open sea, just huge stretches of space and water, it's not blank nor empty , but its hard to grasp hold of something solid. Everything just sort of slips away before i have a chance to make it real.

Well lost as i am, i am still having hell of a blast. My pool game has improved alot and i have just met a lot of great people. It's nice to finally do what you have dreamed of.

It's hard to reconcile differences between people sometimes. I am getting to understand that people here work slowly, there is no sense of urgency or stress. They walk slowly, way slower than me and they patiently walk behind people in a crowd while i just have to dash and weave my way through....although i have no idea what I am rushing for.

the idea of me doing what I want but still not being a horrible person is very real for me. But perhaps not for other people. And i can reconcile that completely with myself, because last night I was just feeling so grateful for life, and all those things i've been through, all the good, bad, naughty, nice, sweet, edgy stuff. And i'm so glad for all the experiences i've had.

I read a quote somewhere, that says that we are not meant to go into our grave nicely preserved and quietly, but all banged up, and exclaiming: ''phew what a ride!!"

perhaps i didn't put that too well, but im just trying to say that i want my life to be a ride, a hell of a ride!

OMG, beautiful!

2006-03-31T01:40:00.000-08:00

Blizzard has just released a patch for WOW that supports widescreen resolution. It is absolutely gorgeous now on my screen and I love everybody!

pics for real!

2006-03-31T01:35:00.000-08:00

pics!

2006-03-30T18:27:00.000-08:00

update!

2006-03-30T18:14:00.000-08:00

i know my updates are really slow but i guess i'm just overwhelmed by the sheer number of things happening in my life!

have been doing tons of stuff since i got here, and its been one big party! Went to a philipino wedding last sunday but it was really just like a catholic wedding, in a really beautiful church and all those ceremonies and stuff.

Dunkin donuts here cos 30 cents each so i've basically been stuffing my face.

I love jeepneys but I think i have set a new record. My phone has been pickpocketed THREE times, including my ngage, and two company phones. So i'm phoneless now, really sore about it and giving everyone the evil eye. Officially i am no longer the clueless wide eyed Singaporean and I clutch my bag everywhere I go.

Discovered a wonderful new dish : bulaklak! They fry pig's intestines in small little crispy bits and it's heaven.

Making travel plans, there are a couple of places I want to see before coming home in a month's time. Boracay, Bantayan, Mala Pascua and a stopover in Manila before maybe HongKong? I love the idea of flying everywhere, unbounded, free! But of course my tan from Bohol has not yet faded and i'm a bit pussy about going into the sun. But what the heck.

I almost flew to Manila this weekend cos Tiesto is spinning. And I wish I could have if I didn't have to budget to replace those damn phones. I am tempted to remain phoneless. But I have fallen in love with him, his new album blows my mind.

I have recently been surprised by how I have grown though. It's always amusing to sit down and think about what I believe now, and my attitude towards people and life, and realize how I have changed.

beaching in the philippines!

2006-03-19T12:14:00.000-08:00

just came back from bohol, which is a nearby island and finally did some long awaited beaching. now i have a beautiful tan, burnt knees and tons of great memories! i never knew i loved the beach so much!

2006-03-04T05:56:00.000-08:00

i also promise to post a pic of my room soon.

sick bird

2006-03-04T05:52:00.000-08:00

have been moping around the room the whole day to mark my first week here cos am sick. Have watched four films, slept a hell lot, and eaten very little cos it is very hard to swallow.

have had such a hectic week, everyone here is such a party animal that i have already been out three times in one week. Am feeling it definitely and promise myself to cut down, if just for the sake of preserving my sanity! And have not found any place with good music yet. Sianz.

Homesickness? Not really, but i do miss n. hell of a lot. thats the hardest part so far i guess. It makes two months seem very very long.

Tomorrow I promise myself to get out of the room and go take a little trip into town. But for now, I feel better enough to play WOW!

2006-02-28T16:24:00.000-08:00

huge bridge connecting the island i'm on with the nearest city.

my first ride in a jeepney.

the sea right outside the main building of my company. Not a beach though, more like kelongs.

first view of philippines while waiting for flight to cebu in manila.

second day in cebu

2006-02-28T00:06:00.000-08:00

and already had many great experiences! last nite hung out with the expats (feels weird to say that i am one), discovered the pleasures of san miguel lite (smoothly takes you on a gently high with no bloating or nausea), had duck foetus (but only after the beer) which looks really disgusting, though i honestly couldn't make out the head, feet and wat not, but tastes alrite, kinda like how century eggs are uniquely tasting.

then hung out with some girls during lunch today who were from philippines, really funny and loud. and took a jeepney back for the first time.

work otherwise is just boring.

but my room still rocks.

in cebu

2006-02-26T07:36:00.000-08:00

have reached cebu, and so far i can have had several moments of exhilaration.

exhilarated cos i have a superb room to live in, with all the comforts i didn't expect.

exhilarated cos i took a cab into the city today and found a huge shopping mall with everything i could ever need. Although my lunch was fast food chinese food so it was the weirdest mixture of rice, noodles, siew mai, fried chicken, chips and all topped with mashed potato sauce from KFC. Very strange.

exhilarated cos i got everything up and working by today: internet, skype, power for my laptop, so i feel right at home again.

and exhilarated cos its just such an adventure. i just hope the exhilaration lasts for two months, and i suppose i shall know tomorrow, when i find out what kind of work i will be doing exactly.

strange thing i realized though, i suspect my sense of home is created by the media i surround myself with. With my laptop here, and lagaan playing on the dvd player in my room, i feel as though i'm back in my own room.

cross fingers for tomorrow, hope everything goes well!

2006-02-17T18:51:00.000-08:00

so today have changed blog color, and updated all the links on the side. (why is everyone migrating their blog?) somehow i am still too lazy to put pics on my blog so perhaps snapfish will have to do.

still no word yet on exactly when i can leave, getting a bit anxious but have decided that with all my conflicting feelings and emotions and thoughts, the sum of it all is that i am still excited, and looking forward to it. I promise myself to stay open and enthusiastic. And i refuse to believe that i am not capable of being alone.

am happy with the amazing race trailer i just finished. going out with a bang.

vday happenings

2006-02-15T02:02:00.000-08:00

despite all appearances, i had a good v day.

we didn't celebrate at all, n had to work late so we left office only at about 9 plus, and for v-day dinner? roti at little india.

but we were both feeling sore from the money spent and lost in japan, so i think we were both just happy not to spend. PLUS usually strong and silent n. wrote me a love letter. Of course he was coerced, but the things he said can keep me on cloud nine for quite some time.

i am happy. and truly content.

i hope i didn't make the wrong decision about the philippines job though.

2006-02-07T17:19:00.000-08:00

japan pics!

click here

2006-02-05T22:28:00.000-08:00

i got it! will be going to philippines for two months from end of this month.

2006-02-03T14:26:00.000-08:00

as always, am sad to end a vacation, will be flying back home tonite, and so have gotten up early to get a longer glimpse of tokyo.

fuji san was obliging yesterday and we had some fantastic pictures of it during sunset, along with lake saiko and lake kawaguchi. The perk about travelling in off season is the personal service you get. The sightseeing bus we took from the station, as we soon found out, actually also serves as a bus for the locals living around lake saiko, and also as a school bus. At one stop a whole herd of children climbed on and the girls sitting around nikhil started giggling. We can only make a good guess what they were giggling at.

But the bus driver was extra obliging, stopping the bus and making everyone wait to make sure we had our pictures at the most scenic points, chatting with the old lady who came on midway.

Have had pretty wonderful memories on this trip, but all of them outside of Kyoto and Tokyo, in Hakuba and Fuji. I guess thats a big hint on the sort of places i should go on my next trip.

But for now, back to work and to the knuckle biting waiting for news of the results of my job interview. If it really works out, I will be taking off to the Philippines for a couple of months. Lets see.

Meanwhile have added link to Jared:s blog to mine. Cos his life is definitely more interesting than mine right now!

2006-01-29T22:31:00.000-08:00

in a area called hakuba where people mainly come to ski. Have been unable to believe the post card picture perfect winter snowscape in front of my eyes with snowy peaks in the distance, heaps of snow as tall as me and little houses half buried in white.

at times like these i feel such a distance between the image before my eyes and my actual self, like i:m stuck watching a movie in a theatre all the time.

well n. went skiing and i, being the wet blanket as usual, set out happily in the open staring at the mountains until my hands started freezing.

will be leaving here in about an hour for kyoto, which i desperately hope to find things other than temples.

n is grumpy about me taking only one pic of him on the slopes.

2006-01-27T00:17:00.000-08:00

blogging from internet cafe in apple building in ginza, which is absolutely stunning of course. So far am freezing my ass off at nights but days are still alrite until the sun sets.

amazingly have discovered a whole new way of touring japan. NOw that we are staying away from eating in restaurants and buying silly things have found that tokyo is actually quite affordable. With day passes, great hostels and 100 yen shops i feel so kuai hiak hiak.

but i almost bought a frivolous soft toy today that was irresistibly cute. It was a flesh eating bear. So its cute and cuddly but has blood running from its mouth.

haha. really nervous now cos gonna call up for my interview for the contract job in philippines in about fifteen mins and i always suck at interviews. Hope i can pull it off.

Cigarettes are sold at 300¥ here, around 4 bucks.

(crumble)

2006-01-24T02:54:00.000-08:00

update:

have smoked one and a half fags in two weeks and proud of myself. But now alone in the office, am itching to smoke again.

Going to japan tom night...more stressed than excited at the amount of things i have to do before then. Perhaps am excited cos this is the first time i'll be seeing real snow, and hopefully catch glimpses of mountains.

2006-01-16T04:29:00.000-08:00

i haven't smoked for nine days!

2005-12-21T18:05:00.000-08:00

just completed 'indigo prophecy', which was really breathtaking int he beginning but had a sorry ending. its a really intriguing adventure game so cinematic that you just can't stop playing just to find out what the mystery is all about. but it also makes you feel kinda redundant, as though the story goes on without any intervention from you and you are only assigned control of mundane tasks, like walking to pick up the phone etc etc, but i guess after aall it is an adventure game and it has some really kick ass sequences. good good game.

harry potter on the other hand...hmm still gonna give it another go before pronouncing it dead.

pick me ups

2005-12-18T21:36:00.000-08:00

include:

1. music
2. coffee
3. mini snickers bars that i am officially addicted to
4. episodes of local tv series 'tiramisu' which i actually find quite good! made me cry!

new love of my life

2005-12-06T01:53:00.000-08:00

so my laptop has arrived, and i am so in love with the 17 inch glossy screen, how did i ever get used to 15s?

it fast, plays fable well (though fable is not that great). after fable will run fear to see how it plays. can't wait!

i love this rush of technology!

two more days

2005-11-30T22:14:00.000-08:00

its coming on saturday morning.

this is the most exciting part of buying somehing...waiting for it to arrive.

it is only wednesday!!

2005-11-29T17:16:00.000-08:00

this is the slowest week ever. I have pestered Dell pple to send it to me quick, but still it may be this week or next. i refuse to pin all my hopes on that it will arrive on friday, cos i will be crushed.

haha i haven't been so excited in a long long time!

here are the specs

Dell Inspiron 9300
2.13GHz CPU
1.2 G RAM
80G 7200RPM Harddisk
256 MB Geforce 6800 (woohoo!)

i. just.can't.wait!

tears rolling down my face

2005-11-27T21:19:00.000-08:00

from laughter!

read

http://www.nukees.com/dannyquotes.html

thats my fav comic this guy is brilliant!

also just blueurghed out a load of cash at SITEX to order a Dell Inspiron 9300 with blazing specs! shioked to the max.

rant and rave

2005-11-22T01:38:00.000-08:00

i just realized that it makes me happy that i can give my parents money every month.

i am starting to get this TV thingy. one program i really enjoy now is project runway, cos its not brainless bitchin driven reality like survivor (which i still don't get). and of course it helps that i can sit down and watch episodes of it whenever i want, so no more wait-till-next-week kind of tension. even Lost is not that enticing anymore cos it goes on and on and they just have to drag it long after its dead.

2005-11-20T17:45:00.000-08:00

watched 'dead man walking' in bed before going to sleep and for a few minutes before i fell asleep was seized by a horrible fear when i imagine the day that i will have to die too. wat was the most frightening was the thought that i would be alone in facing that moment, and all that i loved with my life i will not be able to bring with me.

i can't decide if it is wiser to contemplate death, or to put it out of my mind and make merry till the last terrifying moment.

2005-10-31T03:24:00.000-08:00

my website is up! www.jessicatan.com

i know its real plain, but then its damn easy for me to update now. till the next redesign!

went to jb yesterday and had a blast except i got my helmet stolen. should learn not to trust anyone!

but watched DOOM which was not as bad as i expected and so turned out quite good. and n. got his long awaited leather jacket which was fantabulous.

2005-10-27T18:25:00.000-07:00

i am so sick of myself.

i need to do something today to show myself that i still have the willpower discipline to control my life.

morning

2005-10-26T18:20:00.000-07:00

i wish i could go travelling too. and i promise myself i will do two things after the two week shoot which begins next week.

1. get the bloody bike licence.

2. go on a holiday.

its morning and i'm sitting in office and not really feeling very driven.

i realize that i have very poor survival instincts. i have no ability at all the suppress the expression of my emotions and that has gotten me into trouble so many times! i really have to learn to fake it. but then everything in me hates that. i want to meet people who appreciate that kind of frankness.

watched old boy yesterday and spent a lot of time covering my eyes. maybe cos my expectations were so high it just turned out to be ok. the twist at the end was good in making sense of the whole film but i dunno why it caused him so much trauma. i mean ok, he didn't know, so its not a big deal.

am glad too cos we had a mini fight yesterday and n. was sweet enough to apologize. its like when men cry, or show the tender side of themselves, you just want to wrap them up in your arms and take care of them.

when i'm angry its like a huge flame roars up from below and just engulfs me. i have realized it is hard for me to even think clearly, its just fire pouring out of my pores and burning. i hope i can mature with age.

that friend of auds gave me a great deal of hope when she said that turning thirty was the best ever for her as a woman. could it be true that my best years lie ahead and not behind? that i really am needlessly fretting over losing my youth and time when the best is yet to come? i do hope that saying is true.

obviously i am in a pensive mood, or i'm just lazy.

other updates in my life: boss has decided to submit one of my trailers for promax! altho i guess its a pretty small chance but that she even thinks its good enough to submit is quite heartening.

now am working on like EIGHT trailers for a new show 'lifeline'. the premise is really good, about SCDF - firemen, paramedics and policemen in singapore. but the execution sucked big time. also it is suckng the life out of me. can't wait to close it and get on to the next big thing: harry potter, which is just sitting on my desk now. but then i counted, i have 11 trailers to finish in this week. bloody 11!!!

i cannot wait for the new harry potter. it is gross that i have a crush on a 17 year old though.

2005-10-26T05:26:00.000-07:00

good news! macdonald's milkshake is back back back!

i dunno if it's still news or i just haven't crawled out of my hole for too long.

but the first sip was so nostalgic for me.

wow wow wow

2005-10-25T18:12:00.000-07:00

does anyone want to sign up for wow? pls let me know so i can take advantage of you and get a month's free of wow